When people change

Something that I have come to learn in adult hood is that people change. Like a lot. There have been many people who I thought were my friends, and suddenly they have proved that is not the case. People who had seemed one way, suddenly they are different. I have been dealing with this every since I have turned 18, and it’s something that I don’t think will ever change.

Ohlson1My first roommate in college was my first taste of this. I mean sure there were those people in high school. But that was high school, I figured people were still figuring stuff out and in college people would pretty much just be how they presented themselves. Not really the case, poor 18 year old me. When I had met my roommate in college, she seemed nice and peppy. I pretty much had instant “friends”. For about 2 weeks I had people to eat with and things to do. Places to go. People to talk to. This is kind of a lot for someone who is naturally introverted and really sucks at making friends. I say for about 2 weeks cause that is really how long it lasted for me.

Suddenly my roommate was telling people about her life, laughing about it because she had painted this super perfect life to show her family but really she was a “bad” girl. Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging and I’m not about to make comments about someones lifestyle. But we went to a Christian college and she was making plans to be a youth minister, but bragging about how many guys she had snuck home while her mom was still there. It’s an entirely different thing to paint yourself as this perfect person, claiming to follow a certain life and then having it all be a lie. Just be honest, truly it just makes everything easier.

After she had started bragging about stuff like that, she began to show it off in her real life as well. She had brought a guy home to the dorm, and mind you while we had a sizable dorm this is still incredibly awkward. I won’t say much more, you can pretty much guess the idea of what happened here. After that things were just really rocky, she tried to apologize passing off the encounter as just kissing the guy. I was 18, this is new to me and I had no clue what to do but I wasn’t stupid as to what had really happened. People had asked me why I wasn’t getting along with my roommate and I just answered with the truth of what happened. I didn’t make a habit of spreading it all around, and I only told the one or two people who had asked me. Maybe that was too far, but I wasn’t sure how to really explain what had went down without the truth. The moment that really ended things was a few days later when she cornered me in front of my new “friends” essentially yelling at me because people now knew what she had done. She told me she had a reputation to uphold and I needed to stop spreading lies about her. I soon moved out of the dorm unofficially to a friends dorm who had no roommate at the time. I tried my best to contact our RA and resolve this, asking to officially move. The request was denied, I was told that we had to work it out and get along. There wasn’t anything to work out though, I just knew I needed to switch roommates because I was not prepared to handle all that drama. I contacted the person in charge of all the RA’s and when we finally had the meeting I told him what happened he immediately apologized and told me to move they would get me a key as soon as possible.

feet-914737_960_720Now this girl turned out to be pretty nice actually, after her crazy sort of party like phase in the first year or two. But she was nasty to me and had somehow got everyone to believe that I was the one lying. I had thought that she was the person she made herself out to be but she wasn’t. That’s fine, truly, but just don’t lie about who you are.

This isn’t the only person in my life to exhibit this behavior either. I’m not sure what it is, maybe I tend to pick the wrong friends or maybe I just suck and am generally hated. But recently I’ve had some friends who suddenly have no time for us. Whenever I’d ask them to hang out there was an excuse. Now, I am an adult I realize people have lives and that we are busy. But after about 6+ months of someone being busy you kind of get the picture. If you truly care you make time for friends. When I had told them how I felt hurt and that it seemed as though they didn’t want to hang anymore I offended them. I wasn’t able to be honest and express that I was deeply hurt and I missed them. Instead I just made them mad, and they said they were just busy. I don’t want to go into a lot of detail, but of the things they listed that they had going on, one thing in particular wasn’t something that needed to be keeping them busy. It was easily rescheduled and could easily be done at another time but we were told that we couldn’t hang out because of it. When something becomes more important than friends (not just anything though something that can be arranged, moved or honest to goodness just a hobby like reading a book or gaming or something) than you begin to realize that these people really don’t want you in their life. And it hurts, so much.

I don’t want this post to be entirely a dump post though. Yes people change and they can hurt you. I’ve had this happen several times, the worst of these being my friends who seem as though they just don’t like us anymore. To be honest, if that is the case I would much rather that just be said then to be continued to be fed excuses. But I have many friends in my life, wonderful friends who have stuck by my side no matter what.

I did meet some people in college who mean very much to me and I love them. And they make the effort to see me and to talk to me. I have  friend who flies out to visit us (he lives 6 hours away) and another friend who surprises me with awesome phones calls. I don’t have to talk to them everyday, and I certainly don’t see them everyday. My friend who visits does have the luxury of flights basically whenever he wants so that helps, but these friends make time for me. girlfriends-2213259_960_720They make time to talk, they listen, they visit and they are just generally there for me. I know that I can count on them, I can share my most profound life issues with them and they understand and/or listen.

And while I feel crushed, overwhelmed by the pressing feelings of hurt and loneliness I know that I do have a support system. Sometimes, you just can’t get people to realize how much they have hurt you. And you know what, it’s okay. When this happens, do your best to patch things up. Be the best that YOU can be and just move on. I won’t be asking those friends to hang out again, I’ll wait until they come to me. If they ever do. I slowly stopped contacting so much, because every time I did I felt as a failure or a less than person. We don’t need people like that in our lives, we really truly don’t. I’m not saying it to be mean about it either, but we can quietly let go and move on with our lives. Because people do change, and that’s okay. It can help us figure out who our real friends are, the ones who will stick with us no matter what. And if a friend can’t be there for you then don’t bend over backward trying to get them to be there for you.

Life is too short, we are getting too old, and it’s too painful to have to keep making ourselves feel like crap over someone else. For my yoga training we had to read the book “The Four Agreements” and in one of the chapters the agreement was “don’t take anything personally” going as far as to say if someone hurts us it’s not about us it’s about them. This resonates with me. It’s so true, and I try to remember this everyday. When  I feel as though I suck, or I am hated, I just tell myself it isn’t about me, it’s about them and I just need to continue to live my life and not worry about others. Toxic people don’t need to be in our lives. And we can all quietly let them go, chances are they won’t even notice anyways.

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Don’t trust the people on the internet

So, how many times have we heard this in our life? If you’re a 90’s kid, like me, you have probably heard this a million times over.giphy Don’t trust people online, don’t give them details about yourself, that person in the chat is OBVIOUSLY a 65 year old male looking for a young girl. Profiles are fake, people lie etc. I grew up honestly believing the worst in people, especially those who are online. And while I may not have been online a whole ton during my childhood, I still was aware of the warnings. Only being allowed to play Neopets online; and only after my sister had done it first, giving the approval that yes I would ONLY be using it for games.

My first facebook account was hidden from my mom, which I felt so guilty about I immediately deleted and than asked her if I could make one and she relented. Talking to people online was such a foreign thing to me, like I still thought that I had to seriously protect my email because if the wrong person got a hold of it then someone could know everything about me. Chats were a huge no and you can forget about connecting with people at all besides calling them on the home phone or talking to them in person.

I was also of the generation that grew up with the introduction of cell phones into all of our daily lives. I can remember picking up the oldest, crappiest flip phone from a free box at a garage sale and all my friends thought I was literally the bomb.com because I had a (unserviced) cell phone. I was 12, this was the life that I grew up in. 10670275_10202881873312879_6495196671531450835_n

But slowly, we all got phones and we all got facebook. My Facebook dates back to 2008 so I was one of the firsts. Not super early I know, but I can remember when facebook became a thing. After being released to everyone, it was thrilling to be signing up for something that could instantly connect me to all my friends, plus some people that I knew but had never actually talked to. I wasn’t quite old enough at the time to have had a myspace, nor was it really that popular like facebook has become.

cool-momBut the warnings still stayed, even when society began changing. My mom constantly asked me who I was talking to. Who I was chatting. “Who are you texting” she would ask. much to my annoyance because I was not about to tell her about the cute guy I liked that week. I wasn’t about to tell her about my friends conversations, I was not about to tell her any of the conversations I had. Not because they were particularly bad, but because I grew up in the generation that NEEDED to protect who they talked to and about what because then we would get the “lecture” and we grew up hearing it so we didn’t want it anymore. I was constantly questioned about who I was talking to; their age, gender, what their family was like, siblings, parents, did they go to church? How do I know them? I remember my mom getting so mad one time because upon this intense questioning about one of my close friends I mumbled a very annoyed “I don’t know” or a blasé one word answer. She had told me “when I was younger I knew everything about my friends, I knew all about their family, I knew what they liked and I even knew how long their parents had been together.” saying this in a very matter of factly, and judgmental, sort of way. It wasn’t that I didn’t know, but I was sick of being peppered with a million questions because somehow if I knew the wrong person I would end up dead. giphy-2If I talked to the “wrong” person, was associated in anyway or was friends with them, that could mean life or death. And while I can understand the fear of this in any parents eyes now, as a child it seemed a little too much to have to tell my mom every friends whole life story.

So, when I got to college, things really changed. I had a taste of freedom that I had not had before, especially with the internet. Not drastically mind you, but that warning began to fade from my mind. My first room mate was assigned to me and I got to know her through her facebook. Although facebook did a poor job, mainly because you make facebook what you want it to be. That was my first lesson in the reality of online.

I began to grow my twitter, chatting with people over twitter threads about how awesome Buffy the Vampire Slayer was. I’ve had twitter almost as long as facebook, thanks to a certain high school blocking facebook and not twitter; all the kids at my school signed up for one. This was my first taste of the friendliness of strangers on the internet. The warnings all but faded in my mind at this point. I mean my mom never really spent that much time warning us so much as banning us from really chatting with random strangers online. And while she had interrogated the crap out of us, or at least tried, about who we were in contact she didn’t have to continually tell us to be wary of the internet. The times she did say it, combined with the need to know every thing we did, was enough to put the warning in our head.

So, when I decided that college wasn’t for me, and I left the big ol city of Chicago to travel back to dreary old Iowa I had (in all reality) nothing to do. I had snagged a part time on call job at the time and had whole mornings free. I was not used to this, I had no class, no tests, no social life anymore. I really suck at making friends and all the ones I had made I had left back in Chicago. So I made use of my library, using the online catalogue. I remember that this was about the time that John Greens “The Fault in Our Stars” came out. I read it, I loved it and I wanted more. Somehow, I had stumbled upon the depths of youtube “book tube” community. I found a fan music video for TFIOS and instantly fell in love. When I realized that there was this whole community making videos solely dedicated to books I was thrilled.booktubes1 I wanted to be a part of this, I wanted to join in. So, I sat down and filmed a review on my phone of enders game. The video (and my channel) has long since been deleted. I filmed it wrong, the quality sucked but I was hooked. I began to follow book people on twitter, talk to them about their channels. Have discussions over different books. And my life changed.

This certainly wasn’t the first time I had chatted with people online. I constantly frequented Omegle, and many friends I had made from camp were strictly online. Although Omegle was a little more risqué. You had to be pretty careful when on Omegle. But Omegle was good for a chat when you were bored, or for a nice troll once in a while.

Omegle

I began to “meet” people online, we shared the same interests and we got along really well. I had never been wonderful at making friends so to be quite honest it was mostly me talking to people on their stuff they posted and them responding. But a few people actually stuck around. And some people I even talk to today. I remember I met one of my friends in the book tube community. We both made videos and both enjoyed it but did not have the major passion for it that others did. We don’t always talk every day or even every week but we still communicate and that friendship means a lot to me. Pushing past those warnings and boundaries, proving that not every single person online is a pedophile.

I met another friend over Game of Thrones, and we chat on occasion as well. While we haven’t exchanged personal information I do consider us to be good friends. We share a lot of the same views, and a huge love for game of thrones.

And just recently, I joined twitch. I have had the best conversations with people over video games. I have no fear telling people about myself now. Heck I run a blog where I try to be as open as possible. You can truly meet some really amazing people online, and while the warnings we received as children held some truth we also live in a very different world now. We live and thrive in an online world. People make money from youtube. People Stream them playing a game, and as weird as it sounds, you meet some really solid people on there. twitch_logo_animation

And to be quite honest, the people online have never really hurt me quite like the people in my real life right now. All of my best friends are “online” or texting friends. Mainly because I made my best friends in Chicago and then moved. I also really suck at keeping friends apparently, and have somehow made the ones who live close to me mad. So I love my online friends. I love my gaming buds, my bookish peeps, my tv show pals, I love my dearest best friends who I have to text because they live 6 hours away.

And while I still interact with real life people, in the real world, the online ones just connect with me more. They mean so much, and maybe it’s because we share interests or maybe because I communicate better online or maybe I just come off as less annoying online. Who knows, but what I do know is that these friends stick by me while the ones in my life don’t really do that. And I could be holding up a huge standard for people in my life to meet, but when it becomes apparent that the people online will make an effort to talk to you, to read your stuff or watch your streams but the people in your actual life can’t text you back or hang out or support you in any way as a friend it’s not hard to realize why I like my online friends so much.

I’m also not saying that all people online are golden either, I have definitely met the worst of some online. People who get mad when you say a simple statement, who abuse you for having a certain view. It happens a lot in the book community actually. Someone likes a book and the whole community shuns them because that book is “bad” or there was the time that I pointed out that no matter how terrible a book is said to be it’s morally wrong to purposely go to Goodreads and give them a bad review without even trying to read the book. And same goes for reviewing it very well if you haven’t read it. Online, it can be a mess sometimes. Theres sucky people everywhere. But at least online you can control what you see a little bit more.

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But really what it boils down to is finding people with similar interests who you can get along with. Wether thats online, or in real life. And take the internet warning with a grain of salt. Be safe, sure but don’t think that every single person online is a terrible person just out to get you.

 

Blog Changes

I really want to keep up a blog, it’s something that I have been wanting to do for a while and yet never have seem to settle on one blog. Honestly I’ve gone through several. Book blogs, Christian blogs, lifestyle blogs. Each topic I am passionate about. But I can never seem to keep up a blog solely on a single topic. I thought this time around I would be able to track my journey of trying to eat more plants. I thought with the added bonus of yoga, zero waste, essential oils and other similar topics it would be a breeze. But honestly, there is just not that much to talk about. Once I played out my entire life and journey and what I am trying to accomplish I was at a road block. I promised posts and they just didn’t happen.

Now I don’t blog to gain followers, or likes or anything. I blog because I love to write and I love to talk about things. Mainly a blog is a good way to connect with others with similar interests and things like that. As much as I would like to keep this a singular blog, I honestly just can’t.

Now I’m not saying that I am going to delete my whole blog and leave people hanging. I’m just saying that I want to expand. I want more in my blog. I want to be able to talk about what I want without feeling as though I need to fit into some standard that I had initially set up for myself. I don’t want to be tied down but a singular topic that I had decided I needed to blog about. So I am expanding. Instead of being a solely vegan blog, or solely yoga, zero waste etc I want to just expand to a basic lifestyle blog.

So in this blog, I will be talking about-well- my life. I read a lot, I do photography, I love cats, I try my best to make it to church every sunday and read my bible. I game- a lot- all types of game. I love board games, I love books, heck I even love to review a good book. I’m married, I rent an apartment. I’m from Iowa, best known for cows and corn. And I love meeting new people and chatting about similar things. So that’s what I want this blog to reflect. My loves, my life, events and just all in general lifestyle things.

I will fully understand if this change seems sudden, or too much. I’m not going to take it personally if I get a few unfollows for this. Like I said I’m not doing this to gain followers or anything. It’s just nice to write things out. So if the new variety is not what you signed up for when you followed this blog that’s okay. People change, blogs change, social medias change. When I first started twitter it was because facebook was blocked at my high school. Then when I got to college I was huge into Buffy and followed 50+ million accounts dedicated to Buffy. Then it was books, and reviews, then plant eating things, zero waste and now games. I’ve come to realize that tying to limit myself to just one thing I like is impossible.

So, I’m going to update my blog. The name, maybe layout, header photo and web address (if I can). But it will still be me, still the same quirky (or really bad) blog posts. It’s just going to expand, be a little more broad and talk about real things in my life. I will not delete old posts. I will just add on. Book reviews, real life chats and struggles, favorite games, my experiences streaming and game happenings, photography, things that hit home with my christian life, encouragement and general items like that. Also obsessive cat posts because cats are the bomb.

So just giving everyone a heads up, that I will be transitioning to a lifestyle blog and not just a veganish blog. If you guys stay on board for this process I will seriously love you. If it’s not your cup of tea, I will still seriously love you.

If there is anything you guys want to hear about as well, just hit me up and let me know. I am by no means an expert on anything but I do have a lot of things that happen in my life and know a thing or two about general life stuff. Thank you for all your patience as I try and figure out who I am in blog form.

Facebook groups ruined my life

Okay, so facebook groups didn’t actually ruin anything. I’m still living, fully alive and very much enjoying my life. But I recently went through, and left, all but one of the facebook groups that I am a part of. I had joined some vegan pages, as well as a professional photographers one as well. These were closed groups that I was required to answer a question and get approved to join, so it’s not like a page I just followed and got annoyed with. These were closed and private groups of supposedly like minded individuals that I thought I would be able to get tips from, to help me progress on through my lifestyle. How wrong was I.

Now, I don’t know if anyone else had really had any bad experiences with groups, but I know that I certainly had. You think that I would have learned the first few times I had joined various groups, but nope. The first time I ever joined a group I was just starting out in switching over to eating more plants. I thought a vegan group would be perfect for me. I also still thought honey was a vegan food, so there’s that. But I was really excited, I thought being a part of a group would be so motivating. After I had joined though, I noticed just how vicious people online can be. I mean I had known people are like that online, I have experienced it first hand. I just wasn’t expecting a group of people focused on living a more peaceful life would be the most vicious online. The first things I noticed were people commenting nasty things. Someone was wanting to be vegan and had questions, making it clear that they had not fully transitioned yet. See in my mind that’s totally fine. I myself am not fully transitioned. We may not buy meat or dairy but we are still in a transitioning phase. But these comments that people directed at them were so rude. Calling people stupid, commenting links about how bad it is if you’re not vegan alongside rude comments as to how dumb they are for not knowing these things. I left that group very quickly. I could not believe that people who wanted to encourage others in this lifestyle would be so mean to people they don’t even personally know.

So when I found the zero waste vegans group, I thought it would be a better choice. And for a while it was. I got great tips, there were also people who were not 100% vegan. Everything was actually really nice. I had no regrets for joining this group. But then, the comments trickled in. Slowly, at first. But they grew in numbers. People commenting on how you SHOULD word a post. Claiming offense in things that weren’t even offensive. There always seemed to be that person who would start a fight over a post that had nothing wrong with it. ALWAYS! I had posted a question at one point on the page, and the comments that I got back were quite rude. Telling me how I should be doing things in my life, telling me how wrong I was, telling me in regards to my question that I was basically crazy. I had asked a simple question in regards to my life, and instead of answering the question or giving an honest valid opinion on the matter people thought they needed to educate me on myself, my life and how I did things. That was my last straw. No matter how I explained my reasonings, people were basically telling me I was being stupid over something that I was doing, that was really not any concern for them.

At the same time, I had joined a professional photographers page. As a photographer I thought this would be good, get some advice and tips from others. As soon as I joined I realized my mistake. People were commenting snotty things, mainly on the posts about people inquiring about prices. Telling people that their prices should be higher than what even the photographer themselves could afford. Saying photographers with prices lower than that were no good, less quality etc. As someone who is really striving in the photography community to provide quality services at a fair price this really got under my skin. One commenter was telling everyone how they would charge 125$ for one print. A SINGLE PRINT! And kept telling people that you need to have prices that high no matter what area you are located at because someone will be able to afford it.

Maybe that works for their business, but in the area that I live in no one would ever pay that much for a single print. And in the day and age of digital people are more interested in having digital copies of their photos. It’s not a bad thing to offer digital, but apparently you are ruining your business if you do so. So far, we are doing fine with starting up a new business while offering digital copies. And maybe that could be true in other locations but where I am located that’s just not the case, and honestly making money is not the first thought I have. I love photography, I love what I do and I also want to provide services and products that people also equally love. Products and services that are affordable and high quality. But if you said that in the photographers group people would probably die of shock.

So, a few days ago I went through and I deleted myself out of those groups. I didn’t like how I was feeling when I saw their posts. I didn’t feel like I was getting any help from them either. I felt really down when I pulled up the group page and when I saw the conversations going on. I don’t want social media to bog me down, and I don’t need it to make me feel worse throughout my day. Social media, to me, is a place to document my life and share it with those who I don’t get to see everyday. To connect. And to see how other people are doing as well. And the wonderful thing about social media is that a large part of what you see is controlled by the user. So I took control.

And this post isn’t to say facebook groups are bad. Some groups can be really awesome. They made a group for our teacher training group and I love that group. It’s a place to connect to all my training pals. But if the group you joined is making you feel anything less than happiness, you don’t need to be apart of it. And with the power to join and leave any groups we want I did myself that favor and just let things go.

It’s not about me, or them. It’s about what I need in my life right now. I don’t need negativity, and I am not afraid to do something about it. It’s nothing personal to those groups, but I can’t get on board with leaving mean comments on other peoples statuses. I can’t get on board bullying people. I can’t get on board with taking a holier than though attitude because you have certain skills. We all have our own opinions and thoughts, that’s what makes us so unique. We should be able to share those without being attacked, or people being rude about it. It wasn’t like people were commenting any opinions or questions that were rude or cause offense. People actually tried really hard to share things that affected no one. Yet people were still ruthless. I’m not really about all that in life and in social media.

So, I think I will just follow one more cat page or yoga page on facebook instead. Because that’s what makes me happy. And sometimes, clearing out negative things bogging us down in life is just what we need.