“If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of life I shall have to wear it off.”
― Thomas Jefferson
Disappointment is a part of life, it happens and the best we can do is move on and make the best of the situations. It’s only human to get your hopes up with something, to prepare and expect and wait; only to be let down in the worst way possible. Disappointment is a hard pill to swallow, especially when you have this whole grand scheme in your head of how things are supposed to be. Everyone always tells us to have hope, and that small spark of hope growing in us comes crashing around in a bitter aftermath of pain and- you guessed it- disappointment. For something so common, you think that we would be better adept at handling it right? Well, we’re not. So why is that?
You can do everything in your power to be prepared, you can tell yourself the worst possible outcome. You still have the hope. You can try to live a healthy, full and beneficial life obtaining to be the very best person that you can be. Sadly eating nothing but plants doesn’t make you immune to disappointment. Neither does minimalism, essential oils or obtaining zero waste. Pets, books, movies, food etc none of these items can wipe away the bitter sting of disappointment.
I say these things as a terribly disappointed person, one who had her entire future planned out. At least the next year or so. I signed up for teacher training fully expecting certain things to happen. Even if I told myself the worst possible outcome, or told myself it was impossible I still hoped for a certain outcome.
The studio in which I took my training was offering auditions the week after thanksgiving. This was the moment we were all preparing for, the big finale. Where we would finally put everything we learned to the test and give it a shot to work in one of the coveted open spots that they had. I worked so hard. I spent many a days mumbling to myself the flow we had to learn, telling myself the positions I had to set up. Using anyone I could find as a model to practice assists on. I clutched my blue agate throat chakra beads while I waitedfor my turn to teach. I felt ready. Nervous as all get out, which is weird because teaching other people isn’t that bad but having like 5 people taking notes on your every move is NERVE WRACKING let me tell you.
So I did it, after a long grueling day of practice and practice and practice beyond practice I went to that audition confident and scared silly. But this was the last thing that I had to do and then I was in. I kept telling myself that I am new, I just finished so there was no way that I was going to be chosen. But I had hope. I had to have the hope.
So I finished my part, I taught what I was supposed to teach. I was a little shaky in the voice but other than that I had nothing else that really needed work. I had done it, I was teaching. I taught, I was good. So I left fully confident, forgetting that there still was another group that was supposed to be auditioning as well. I left the studio in high hopes, waiting eagerly for the email that I assumed was going to be coming by the weekend at least.
I waited ages, no email. Ever. I began to worry, they said there would be feedback in a week at the most. They said they would contact us. I think about 2 weeks passed and then I got a phone call from my omie lead. First off, I hate phone calls so I do not answer any unknown numbers usually. I’m not about the spam call life, truly, automated phone calls beeping at you asking for information suck. So I screen all unknown numbers 99% of the time. I missed it the call and rolled my eyes as the “new voicemail” message appeared with what I thought was just another spam call beeping a weird message at me. Nope, and as I nervously dialed back the number to call back I breathed deeply and talked myself into a good place. Answering machine. I tried again. Answering machine.
At this point I’m slightly ticked, and really jittering because I HATE phone calls it’s like the worst social experience ever. So I give up. A few minutes later I get the call again, I breathe in deep and answer. Only to hear, “we went a different route but feel free to audition again in the spring” which is the best way to summarize what I was told because that was literally it but with a few added nice comments that did not pertain to me whatsoever like “I’m so sorry, I hate being the one to tell you this”. I was stunned, silent and accepting of the news that I had no control over. We said our goodbyes with not so much as a simple “you can improve this, or you did this really good” no feedback whatsoever. I felt stiffed, shortened and honestly completely let down.
What I had done differently from others that I hadn’t before. I know that I am knew, and I even told myself I wasn’t going to get the job anyways. But was my teaching not good enough? Was my application too weird?? Like what was it that made them “go a different route”?? I never got those answers because that is the last contact that I had with anyone from the studio. I don’t get unlimited classes anymore because training is over, and I don’t currently have the budget to pay for a membership. I felt as if a door had been shut in my life that I was expecting to waltz on through.
I’m beginning to realize though, that if I didn’t get that job it was because it wasn’t right for me. As much as I dreamed of working there, it never really felt like it was a perfect fit. What I am really wanting to do is work with an athletic team, or department, and teach yoga to athletes. It’s extremely beneficial for athletes to do yoga regularly. So while one door closed, this just gave me the opportunity to keep on searching for a better fit.
Which is really hard, taking training they made it seem like it was so easy to find a job as a yoga instructor. So many opportunities I was told. The demand for yoga instructors is really high. But as I search online for a job nothing is open. NOTHING. I have emailed several gyms and no response. At all, not even a rejection. Short of posting on every social media I know (which btw I actually did) or posting a Craigslist add sounding pathetically desperate I am at a loss as to what to do. So I continue to search, and email and all that jazz. Some days I want to crawl in a hole and give up, somedays I come really close to doing just that, and some days hope is glimmering on my horizon again. I have to believe that there is a place for me, and I have got believe it’s just waiting for me. Hope is how I can deal with disappointment. Hope may help add to the sting sometimes, but right now it’s what’s numbing that sting. And disappointment is just a part of life, everyone has it and I know that I am not the only one who has had a rejection in their life. I’m just glad I was able to take the training, somedays it feels like it wasn’t worth it but most days it’s one of my best decisions in my life.